Corporate Rights Group Celebrates Realizing MLK’s Dream Themselves

The Corporate Rights Advancement Project (C.R.A.P.) is celebrating this Martin Luther King’s Day with service projects to honor the equal rights that all people, including corporations, have achieved.

“This year, we’re proud to celebrate Dr. King’s dream being realized,” said a spokesman for Branson-Slessinger Incorporated, a small office supplies chain who is the president of C.R.A.P. “Thanks to the Supreme Court bravely defending corporate rights in Citizens United, people in America today are not judged by the existence of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

B.S. Incorporated has encouraged C.R.A.P. members to give back to the community this weekend with unusually low prices, two-for-one bargains, and free trinkets with every purchase over $40. These are all real C.R.A.P. ways of honoring Dr. King’s legacy, it says.

But despite legally being entitled to the same rights as non-corporate Americans, corporations have become subject to increasing backlash by bigoted demonstrators opposing equal treatment under the law. Occupy Wall Street is one such movement, having been born of hatred and prejudice against corporations. Some of these extremist protestors have even gone so far as to call for a constitutional amendment denying corporations their status as human beings.

For all of the progress made over the last couple years, the corporate equality movement still has a ways to go. Despite now having unlimited free speech rights and influence in elections, discriminatory laws bar corporate citizens from voting or holding public office themselves. Additionally, they are subject to a “separate but equal” tax rate and their marriages are subject to government scrutiny before they are approved.

“While I know things aren’t perfect yet, I’m optimistic,” says B.S. Inc. “If we elect Mitt Romney as president in 2012, he will definitely enact social and economic polices that are supported by C.R.A.P. Then we’ll finally have a president who, unlike the incumbent, will truly appreciate the progressive society that Martin Luther King Jr. fought for.”

Anti-Drug Activists Cheer HHS Ruling on ‘Addictive’ Contraceptive

Anti-drug advocates are celebrating after a decision by Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius kept yet another dangerous drug out of the hands of children.

The drug in question, levonorgestrel (also known by the street name “Plan B”), is typically used to prevent unwanted pregnancies in adults and teenagers who have a prescription. While it is currently available over the counter to adults, some anti-drug activists worry that this “Plan B” would be subject to abuse if that rule was extended to minors.

“‘Plan B’ is a dangerous and addictive drug,” says Susan Carroll, spokeswoman for Parents Against Irresponsible Narcotic Sales, a non-profit dedicated to keeping dangerous drugs out of the hands of children. “We have done several studies that show levonorgestrel has all of the characteristics of a potentially addictive drug.”

Indeed, a study by the P.A.I.N.S. Organization found that levonorgestrel could be even more addictive than other prescription drugs like Vicodin. Women who were denied access to levonorgestrel reported feeling 204% more pain than those who had used the drug, revealing the potential for a high that exceeds even most illegal drugs.

Perhaps even more alarming, nearly 100% of teenage ‘Plan B’ users are sexually active; almost triple the rate of non-users. The drug’s strong correlation with high sexual activity has led P.A.I.N.S. researchers to the only reasonable conclusion that the drug heavily increases sexual desires.

Despite this indisputable scientific evidence, many pro-drug activists are claiming that the decision was merely political, and the drug has already become a divisive issue among the Republican presidential also-rans. Gov. Rick Perry today decried the drug as “the worst threat to christmas since gays in the military,” while Rep. Michele Bachmann has claimed that Plan B is one of 47 drugs she opposes because voters have told her it can cause mental retardation.

Yet some Republicans have been less critical of “Plan B.” Rep. Ron Paul said that the war on drugs has gone too far and has pledged to legalize the drug for young men as well if elected president. When asked for his view on the matter, former front-runner Mitt Romney’s campaign said he refused to take a position until there is conclusive scientific evidence that voters in New Hampshire have one.

Regardless of the reasons behind it, Ms. Carroll and all of America’s P.A.I.N.S. say every voter should be relieved by the administration’s decision. “Thanks to Secretary Sebelius, we know we won’t see a segment about kids getting high off of this ‘Plan B’ stuff at parties on the 6:00 news, something that was quite possible before today.”

Perry Recalls Firefighters, Will Combat Wildfires with Prayer

In a surprise announcement today, Governor Rick Perry (R-TX), having so far failed to contain the wildfires ravaging his home state, has declared that he will sign an executive order recalling all of Texas’ firefighters and implementing an “emergency mandatory day of prayer and fasting” for all Texans to combat the flames.

Perry insisted that it was big government that incited the fire, and proposed eliminating the fire department to shrink what he calls “a government so big it’s just begging to be burned.” He then proposed additional measures, such as returning the money saved to oil companies in the form of tax cuts, as means to halt the blaze. Other ideas he endorsed included building a wall to keep new fires out of Texas in the future and arming citizens with free rifles to combat the flames.

The White House offered to supply the Texas fire department with emergency water reserves to douse the fire, but House Republicans opposed the measure, which Majority Leader Eric Cantor called “more incendiary leftist policies from a president who clearly doesn’t understand how fires work.”

“I’m sure President Obama would love to get the government involved,” said the Governor. “But our government can’t solve problems this severe, especially after what I’ve done to it. Only a strong combination of tax cuts and Jesus can protect our citizens.”

When asked how his fire management skills could be applied to other issues if he’s elected president, a confident Perry said his plan is to “shrink the government, cut taxes, and pray. That’s all that’s needed to solve America’s problems.” In response, Rep. Michelle Bachmann accused her opponent of governing like an establishment conservative instead of a true Tea Partier, and said that she would simply have her supporters protest the fire from their Hoverounds until it gave up its “liberal agenda.”